Random

All of a sudden I really wish I was in Disneyland. No apparent reason. Just in the mood for some good old-fashioned American corporate-controlled family fun. And a Mickey-shaped ice cream bar.

Sometimes it takes the night to fall

Found a summer sublet and whole life outlook has improved immensely. It's got a total student vibe, which maybe I should have outgrown but after so many months living in a place with a retirement home vibe, I'm ready for more youthfulness. I'm going to be living with three of my classmates. Two of the guys are the official badasses of our program, sassy as hell but smart as hell too. We are all going to make an awesome posse. The place is close to downtown, on a shady tree-lined street. It has a back porch with a barbecue and three chickens who hang out in the yard. I am already in love with the idea of summer nights porching. We're making all sorts of grandiose plans, for house shows and guitar lessons and jam nights and movie nights and family dinners. Most of it will probably never happen, but it's so nice to have some sun on the horizon.

Serious case of the blahs going on one week. Watching a lot of 6th and 7th season West Wing, wishing I could either be CJ or marry CJ. Is that strange? Yes I think it is. Meanwhile, I am watching my deadlines as they whiz by. Motivation has gone down the tubes. Plus my roommate is having continual crying fits today and the walls are thin. There's really something to be said for pulling a Tobias Funke and crying in your nevernude shorts in the shower, with a facecloth in your mouth so nobody will hear you. Plus the conditioner will help your self-esteem.

I am actually a terrible person.

Nonetheless, the end is in sight. There is a summer sublet with potential. And Marley and Me was better than expected. So that's something.

So the spring has sprung, and with it my desire to go everywhere I ever have been in sunny times. I want to read Virginia Woolf on the beaches of St. Malo; meander along Dawson's boardwalks; ride Stanley Park's complimentary shuttle through all the greenery; play cards at Silver Lake and then make the long walk back downtown to collapse on B-Street's patio. Not gonna lie, mostly I just want to do the last one. Still, Guelph in the summer has potential. For now though, I've got a week to write a paper on CBC Radio3 and Canadian regionalism. Which also has potential. I suppose.

Below is an example of why I stopped blogging in the first place. Wayyyyyy too much angst. All went well, I feel supported. Not entirely convinced that anything worthwhile actually goes on at such conferences, but nevertheless. Soooo much free juice and cookies.

I can't. . . .I have to study

Tomorrow is the major colloquium for all of the masters students in the drama/English program. I also feel as though it's going to be the moment where I decide whether or not I'm going to continue past the masters level, with my one-foot-in-academia-and-the-other-in-the-theatre plan, or just go for the theatre whole hog. That in and of itself might not seem unusual. But what is unusual is that I'm not basing my decision on my performance in the colloquium. I'm basing my decision on whether or not the rest of my classmates show up. We've all been agonizing over this together, and we're all supposed to go to everyone else's panels, but I'm in the first panel of the day, and from the rumblings I'm hearing, it seems like everyone is planning to skip the morning panel to polish/finish their presentations. This kind of situation seems to be endemic to this program/Guelph/academia in general. Study before life. Study before fun. Study before supporting friends. Above all, study. I hate this mindset and think it's a stupid and unnecessary way to run your life. And if, tomorrow, I don't see some sort of glimmer of team spirit and solidarity, then I'm getting my degree and getting out, out, far out. Because the self-involvement of the most utterly spoiled actor ain't got nothing on the narcissism of academics.

Smoosh

Awkward turtles in class today. We start telling the prof there's no way we can get our papers done for next week, he says fine, he won't take off late marks, but then lays in with a massive guilt trip about how Good Graduate Students Obey Deadlines etc etc. Does not really bother me, but two of the girls in the class are in tears. One of them is sitting beside me, and even though she's a wonderful person and I feel bad that she's crying, I can't even bring myself to touch her on the knee or the shoulder or do anything comforting that would show that I cared. And walking home one of my other classmates starts talking about how she's at her breaking point and is just really really in need of a hug. And instead of responding with a hug I just make some joke, which I can't even remember now, so we can rest assured that it wasn't a good joke. Apparently physical affection is just not in me to give these days. Was it ever? I want to be warm to people, and treat them the way I would like to be treated if I was in their situation, but I freeze.

This blog is quickly degenerating into feelings. Comic relief comic relief!

http://failblog.org/2009/03/01/language-fail-3/

Failblog shall see me through.